This is a list of rules I follow, lessons I've learned, or just humorous things that apply to my life.  Why you are here, I just don't know.  (Some of these come from Jill's site.  I submitted some others, and they appear under the DAVID SUBMISSION)

Chronicles of the Invisible Cavewoman of the Planet Ya
          This is how I got started in the lessons business.  All copyrighted by Jill.

1. If your full title is The Invisible Crazy Strange Cavewoman of the Planet Ya...well, you know you've got a few problems you might want to work out.

2. When someone tells you you're insane, say "thank you!"

3. When someone tells you your normal, cry.

4. If you get lonely, create three third person personalities to keep you company.

5. For the 2nd time, humans are stupid:  we need to make the armrests in movie theaters detachable with a pocketknife.

6. If you wear SPF 50, you might have a redneck.

7. When you die… The phrase “get a life” is no longer applicable.

8. On second thought, that phrase is more applicable than ever.

9. Keep evil Furbies locked in the closet far away from anything that can be thrown.

10. If you would like to make a call, please hang up and try again...

11. If the above does not work, get off the Internet.

12. If the above does not work, get a phone line.

13. If you're on the internet without a phone line, give me a call.

14. When diving, make sure you are going to land in water.

15. Fixing decapitated animals is fun!

16. Do not hold a 20 dollar bill in the air near anyone with the title of The Invisible Crazy Strange Cavewoman of the Planet Ya.  There's a chance it may become lost.

17. Does is not the replacement for every word.
     noun            Look at that does!
     verb             I'm going to does.
     adjective     Isn't she does?

18. Don't let a paranoid kid (hi Matt) stand on an unstable table (that rhymed!).

Chronicles of Matt's Flight
          These lessons deal primarily with Matt's lessons on flight.

1. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.  If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.  That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

2. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

3. Every takeoff is optional.  Every landing is mandatory.

4. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.  A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

5. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

6. Stay out of clouds.  The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

7. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

8. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

9. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Chronicles of David/Daniel (It's a cursive thing)
          These are all mine.  Yes siree...all mine.

1. A long black sign with a white arrow containing the phrase, "ONE WAY," means you should turn the hell around when it is pointing at YOU.

2. Will there ever be a fake Jew number three?

3. I once tried to park in a parkway.  This is why I didn't get my license.

4. I also once tried to drive through a driveway.  The hole in the wall makes my house cold.

5. Any question placed to CFHS students will not involve a calculator, abacus, dictionary, thesaurus, or a mind.  If said students had a mind, they wouldn't be attending CFHS.

6. You might be a geek when you turn "CRT green."

7. The above also applies if you can name more than 400 HTML tags (you must be f*****g nuts is you expect this green-tinted geek to list them).

8. Not all poking is good (think syphilis).

9. The piece modeled after a horse in chess is not called a "horsy".

10. Crap breaks.  Especially 30 dollar crap.

11. It's generally safe to say that before you decide to convert to Judaism, make sure there is a synagogue close to you.

12. If there is no synagogue, say, "oy" and be content with the fact that you will remain Fake Jew Number 2 for another long while.

13. The wrong people are reproducing way too much.  We smart people need to get some leadership and get to screwin'.  We need the population points.

14. Never admit to being a Democrat in the Rural South.  You may be lynched.

15. The same holds true for admitting to be Jewish.

16. Web-cams are fun, but you know you have been enjoying them too much when you start doing moves from the Matrix and send them to your friends in the convenient Windows Media 9 Format.

17. You know big brother is here to stay when your web dev application starts inserting applicable advertisements.  (Office XP is fast AND reliable).

18. When upset at your sister, do not throw your good PDA.  Instead, use any PDA made by Palm.

19. When you are kicked in your Baltic Avenue and you can feel it in your Park Place, proceed immediately to the doctor, do NOT pass Go, do NOT collect 200 dollars.  Better yet, collect the 200 dollars, cause you don't have insurance.

20. You do not immediately win in Monopoly if all you have are hotels on the dark blue tiles.  Just watch the guy with Indiana kick your Pennsylvania off of you.

21. Say "hi" to the web cam.  I'm watching.

Chronicles of a Weirder Person
          You really do not want to know.

1. "It's nine o'clock on a Saturday," is not a good way to greet me.

2. Pants are for wussies.

3. As well as being a really yummy veggie, Carrot is also the first name of a really yummy comic.

4. I always confuse the meanings of "Yummy" and "Awful."

5. I have never seen/read/experienced Death of A Salesman.  However, it is an event I would not be opposed to.

6. ------------------------------------------------------------------

7. The above is redundant.

8. If you were to play a sound for 1 second then repeat half the duration of the previous sound, then repeat half the duration of the sound immediately added preceding this current sound but not the entire sound and so on, when would you get to 2 seconds?

9. If the above sounds like gibberish, let me put it this way: YOU, SIR, ARE A MORON!

10. The above emboldened text is best read with--I say--I say--with a Louisianan accent--I say, son.

11.  The text immediately above is best said as Foghorn Leghorn.

12. Think is not a noun, it is something that you should be doing instead of reading this.

13. Cogito, Cogitare, Cogitavi, Cogiteravi, Cogitabam...Latin has so many ways to say 'I think'.

14. Cogito quam inhalis--I think therefore you suck.

15. CSW is full of egg-heads; CFHS is full of pot-heads; FDHS is full of crack-heads and all of the above.

16. The above is a scary combination.

17. I AM the king of tangents--but I digress.

18. The above is true, except instead of opposite over adjacent...I'm just opposite.

19. Face it.

20. I am known as Danny Toy to only my most trusted person who is having an affair with me behind her boyfriend's back--Jill.

21. As for the above...sometimes I may be able to dream.